40 Looks Different

Guest Post by Rhonda Chiger

40 Sure Looks Different

I was on a plane the other day and I overheard a conversation between flight attendants. One of the attendants was telling her colleague that she had a blow-out 40th birthday party and this year was going to be much quieter. (I assumed her 41st birthday was approaching.) This made me smile as I remember my husband and friend Kathryn threw me a surprise 40th birthday party 20 years ago. I recently
rediscovered the pictures from that evening.

Then, I thought of another story. I was about 25 years old and my friend Suzie and I were at the bar, Docks, in Midtown Manhattan. The bar is actually still in existence today. As we sipped our Long Island Iced Teas (that was the cocktail of the day, pre-Cosmopolitan) we looked across the bar and saw two women also seated on bar stools, sipping cocktails. We turned to each other and said something to the
effect of “if we are still on these stools when we are 40, shoot me.”

Suzie and I weren’t in touch by the time our 40th birthdays came along but I can happily report neither of us are dead. My point is that 40 looks very different depending on which side of the equation you are on. On the side I am on now, sitting by oneself at a bar with a cocktail doesn’t sound so bad. In fact, I often sit solo at a bar, enjoying my own thoughts and grabbing a conversation with another patron. In
the 1980s, that wasn’t the case. Young ladies went to bars in pairs with the goal of meeting eligible bachelors. Why was it ingrained in young women that to grow old single was a disaster? I am here to tell you that it wasn’t then, and it certainly isn’t now.

I got married when I was 33. Back then, that age was on the later side of the scale. Most of my friends and acquaintances were married by the time they turned 30. There actually was a saying “if they aren’t married by the time they are 30, there must be something wrong with them.” My Jewish mother worried about me despite the fact that I had a budding career, friends, and lots of interests. She and her
friends put out an APB to find me a mate.

I have to admit that I like the fact that I didn’t get married any earlier. I feel as though I accomplished so much on my own and know that no matter what happens I can be independently happy and secure.

People used to say that you must be selfish if you didn’t want to form a family. I say hogwash and it’s no one’s business.

I now advise my friend’s daughters to ensure that they have their own money, own friends, and own interests. My own son isn’t immune. I was in Florida a few years back and a female friend of my son told me that she was waiting by the phone for him to call. I told her never to wait for a man (even if it is my son). Her mother quickly entered the conversation with the same sentiment.

Your identity and lifestyle should not be hooked to another person. Yes, we all want to be in love; it’s a fantastic feeling. Having a companion to share your life with can be amazing. If, however, you haven’t met your mate, there is still plenty of life to live, and you are not alone.

A study issued by Bowling Green State University reported that 16% of women aged 40 to 49 were unmarried in 1960; by 2020 that number rose to 36%. With the conservative politics that are taking over the United States, I am even more sensitive to the fact that a happy and fulfilling future for women does not necessarily include a spouse and/or children.

As someone who is comfortably over the 40 scale, my advice is to enjoy the youth of being 40 whether you are single, married, or somewhere in between. The years go fast and before you know it, you don’t move as well as you used to; your stamina and energy are decreasing, while your bucket list increases.

Fill the years with great memories. Don’t be held back because you are a solo traveler or don’t have anyone to go to the movies with. I remember the first time I went to the movies by myself. I thought everyone was staring at me. Trust me, no one cares. I used to go to all-inclusive resorts by myself when I was in my 20’s. I got odd looks from the establishment (mostly my parents’ generation), but my travels introduced me to like-minded people. I still travel solo and have had some of the best experiences on these trips. You are able to do what you want to do every second of the day!

40 sure looks different now. The perspective I have now compared to when I was that 25-year-old bar patron is like night and day. You don’t need to conform to other people’s image, just conform to what makes you happy. I hope you all find what you are looking for.

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Rhonda Chiger is a professional dancer, turned corporate executive, turned amateur dancer, entrepreneur, and PTA mom. Her blog, Rhonda’s Musings, provides readers with essays about life from a middle-aged woman’s perspective. Rhonda’s experiences in the arts, corporate America, and as a wife and mom provides her with plenty of advice, fodder, and general commiseration on everyday life. Her blog is both sentimental and witty, always with a message of positivity and moving forward. Rhonda’s Musings has been featured in BonFem, Her View From Home, and Jewish Women of Words.